And on this snowy day...my geranium is starting to bloom again which it has been doing all winter...so nice that I thought to bring it in from the summer outdoors...to bring some "summer" into my life all winter!
I have not been on here for over a year I think....I actually completely forgot about it and also have not been very creative or productive. But then, something awful happened. The Koi Pond quilt that I made for my daughter is gone...lost...thrown away...do not know. Its a long sad story. I just found out yesterday, when I called her to see if my sister could borrow the quilt as my sister wanted to hang it in her house in a prominent spot and my daughter never liked it and was not hanging it up. As far as I knew these last 2 years she had it creased in a box folded up.... lonely and unloved....no one even saw it but her...I was trying so hard to finish it many Valentines Day ago...that I figured many people would see it when she hung it in her house..so that would be ok and I wouldn't worry about no one seeing it before I gave it to her as one of the best gifts someone could get...I thought......then, horrible beyond horrible...her husband thought it too colorful and probably tacky...and they never hung it...she chose the quilt design..out of one of my original paintings. So I was very hurt and surprised that she did not like it .it looked just like the painting...or maybe it was just her husband...I dont know....the bottom line is it was unloved and she was ungrateful from the start...I should have taken it right back...but did not realize she did not have it hanging for a long time...yesterday,I learned she had sent it back to me UPS a year and a half ago...I never got it...I never knew she sent it and to watch for it...someone either stole it from my porch...or it got thrown away with moving boxes without me knowing what it was...dont know which one makes me more sick...and sick I have been. I keep literally throwing up. I have been crying non stop. I spent so many hours and months making this quilt with love....probably over 1,000 in materials and threads alone...it was highly quilted...and I used very expensive thread...the fabrics were mostly hand dyed batiks and other very fancy material...each petal for the flowers intricate...oh my God the work. Oh my God the time I spent sometimes till the wee hours of the night....everyday..I had just lost my art gallery and I was happy to have something to spend my time on...knowing she was going to so love it....On the back I stitched a picture I had transferred of her and I when she was very little up high on my shoulders after sledding one winter.....and a special heart bead..and stitching that said Made with love to Hannah from Mom ...and how much I loved her...etc...and Happy Valentines Day 2011....Now...it is just gone....UPS said its been too long..even though she put 3,000 dollars on it as the cost and had insurance....they say its been too long....I did did not know she had even sent it....I am so sick...It was bad enough that she didnt appreciate it or love it or care about it at all...can you imagine someone making you personally such a gift and you not even finding a distant wall ....a hall wall or just somewhere not so obvious and hung it out of sheer appreciation of what someone had done for you out of love....but no...she couldnt find a spot in her life...she was that embarrassed or ashamed of it;?????????? People said I could have won awards with it....that saw the pictures....If I sold it at my gallery I would have put 2500- 3000 dollars on it....which even wasnt enough for how long I worked on it....my sister wanted it badly to hang in a spot that would have made me proud....and I NEVER would have sold or gave it away...If I died...I thought how nice that I left my family an heirloom piece that could have been handed down through the generations ...I was pretty proud of it....now its probably laying in a pile in a landfill...rotting... ......My relationship with this daughter was already strained...feels now even more unbearable..that she cared so little about such a gift and the bottom line....me. For many things compounded. She had made it quite clear for some time that she does not want me in her life...that she finds me unbearable and unwanted in her life. No matter what I do....and I have tried and tried and tried...especially since she had my 1st granddaughter a year ago...whom I have only seen 6 times...and we just live an hour away...its been like pulling teeth to see my granddaughter and be granted a glimpse of my daughters life...I am so not in her picture....I cry and cry about this...it wasn't supposed to be this way....and I cant do anything about it all.....my therapist keeps telling me this....that I cant do anything about others peoples actions, only my own or thoughts...I cant change her mind...or cant make her want me or love me....cant make her see what she is doing to us and to my granddaughter by her stubborn refusal at forgiveness and grace and continually seeing only the bad in everything.. ..I cant do anything right...My relationship issue with her alone has kept me crying for years now....and now the quilt..... She might has well just burned the quilt up in front of my face as if to say....."you see how much I hate you." My husband should not have left me alone today.. I feel so mentally healthy, unsettled, sad, lost...and angry...yes, angry. I feel like I am going to have to go through the stages of grief...with the loss of this quilt...its like a death...those of you who are artists can probably attest to the fact that our artwork can be like an alive thing...our babies...our creations...and they end up meaning more than the art itself...each stitch had love in it...for real, not just the cliche....today, I feel the loss of my daughter..our worsening relationship because I am so hurt and angry and sad, the loss of seeing my little baby girl grand baby even less than I already do, and the loss of my quilt......its all too much....of course, I know, the people come first, ........but I have already been crying about the people ..so much that I thought I couldn't endure it if it didn't get better soon.....but....my quilt is a new hurt.....and I will need to process this now..along with all the rest of the losses...
